Denied

I've applied for many jobs throughout the years, even before I got sick. Things are different now though.

I'm sick and can't work to the full extent like a healthy person can. I also get sporadically sick here and there and will have to stay home those days I can't get out of bed.

Who is going to find that attractive on the job market? Better yet, if I do find myself at a job interview, how do I tell my future employer without turning them off to me? How do you dress that up?

"Well sir/ma'am, I may be sickly and broken but heck, I have the heart and passion for this job like no other."

So I resign myself to the fact that no one is going to hire me. "Wait, stop, no, haven't you ever heard of a self fulfilling profecy? If you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. You have to give it your best."

Oh really? After several years, you know where it's got me? Nowhere. And that's not from lack of trying. I've tried being super productive in my job search, I've tried being positive, I tried self help/unemployment programmes and courses. I have gone through more unemployment contacts than I can count...  and It all ends the same way. Nowhere.

Most people I know that are cronically sick are unemployed or on sick leave.

Don't get me wrong, the job market is tough for everyone, but it's even harder when you're ill.

 

"So what then? You're just gonna give up? You know, when life hands you lemons..."

I sometimes wish I could give up, but I can't afford to. You think it's easy to weave through the welfare system, public insurance and unemployment? Learning about all their different rules and regulations, only to have them change the next month.. You think I can afford to slack off and be done with it? If I don't stay on it, I lose everything. Don't get me wrong though, it should never be too simple to get welfare, but it is a chore every month. And everything has to land perfectly, or my economy crumbles.

It is a job in itself to make sure all of this stays in sync. Not only is it hard for me but it's even harder for my bf. He's an immigrant from the US and since none of the information on public insurance, unemployment or welfare is available in English, I have to help him.

And at the end of the day, if welfare doesn't come through for me, say my contact is sick, or I checked a box wrong, or forgot a paper... All of my bills get delayed. It is scary. Every month. It's a mental torment every month. "What if we can't pay the bills this month?"

So no. I can't give up. Giving up means laying down and die. I keep going because I do hope that one day maybe I won't have to deal with this crap anymore.

I know, I'm being dramatic. Most of the time I can shrug this shit off, but I can't help feeling like I'm in endless cycle.

And don't worry, after this shit blows over I'll go back to being my normal awkward self. Sometimes you gotta let yourself feel them feels ya know?

Who knows, maybe someone else out there feels the same? If you are, let me tell you, I have nothing positive to say to you right now. It sucks, we both know it. But at least you're not alone. 

And life never gives you lemons. Life gives you shit. How you clean it up, is what matters.

Thanks for listening,

Lupus Girl

 

Fog you

Good morning... Days like this I wish I didn't have to get out of bed at all... Technically, I guess I don't cause I have no job. But seriously, one can't just be in bed all day!

You have get up! Embrace the possibilities and seize the day! The world has so much to offer!

Gimme a break... The only reason I'm even up is because my boyfriends snores woke me up, I had to pee and when I got back, his ass was all over the bed with no room for me.

It's okay though, I like mornings. I just hate being tired. Which I am, a lot, in the mornings.

And let's get it straight, I'm not sleepy. This isn't some "I stayed up too late and didn't sleep well"-tired. It's overpowering, like a heavy blanket over your head. No amount of sleep gets rid of it.

I call it brain fog, and the best feeling I can describe it to you in a way you can relate is that it feels like fainting very slowly. Your brain wants to shut down, your legs get weak, you get tunnel vision and sometimes even see stars or spots, and you can't concentrate or focus on anything.

It sucks, but you just gotta wait it out.

While I wait I shall slowly work with my hobby: Crocheting 😄

This lil Cthulhu needs wings. Since I have these days when I can't manage to do much, I keep my hands busy. It makes me feel good to do something productive.

Also: sometimes certain brewed concoctions may help temporarily, even if it only alliviates the problem slightly.

And it tastes awesome 😌☕️

Stay beautiful, friends! ❤️

Lupus Girl out!

For no reason

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. And no it wasn't only cause me and my boyfriend were caught up in another praise-discussion about Star Wars-The Clone Wars, I kept tossing and turning from a fever that came out of no where.

After he forced an aspirin down my throat I could finally sleep, but this morning the fever is back.

"You're overworked" he suggested. "You need rest"

Yes it could be that my body is still recovering from last weekends Halloween frivolities, but I could also have an infection that my body is trying to fight off.

I usually don't get fevers. When I catch a cold I get a headache and my nose turns into a faucet. That how I know I'm sick. I can feel warm inside, but usually the thermometer will show normal or only slightly elevated temperature.

The reason I don't get fevers is because my body's immune system is trying to fight my healthy cells and tissue. So I take immunosuppressants, 3 different ones.

It keeps my immune system in check, but it's not ideal. It means I'm vulnerable to infection and I have a hard time fighting off whatever bug I caught.

Since my immune system is so handicapped I've become more sensitive to changes. Like this time when I get a fever for no appearant reason. It could be a sign of a flare up, or just an infection. Or it could be nothing at all.

If it's a flare up, my organs might be in trouble and I need a doctor fast.

If it's an infection, it can cause a flare up, so I need a doctor to help determine how severe the infection is. 

Usually it's nothing and I goes away on its own, but I can't help worrying.

At this point in my life I've pretty much learned to live with it though. It's like a partner you never asked for and keeps making trouble for you. But I manage :)