Denied

I've applied for many jobs throughout the years, even before I got sick. Things are different now though.

I'm sick and can't work to the full extent like a healthy person can. I also get sporadically sick here and there and will have to stay home those days I can't get out of bed.

Who is going to find that attractive on the job market? Better yet, if I do find myself at a job interview, how do I tell my future employer without turning them off to me? How do you dress that up?

"Well sir/ma'am, I may be sickly and broken but heck, I have the heart and passion for this job like no other."

So I resign myself to the fact that no one is going to hire me. "Wait, stop, no, haven't you ever heard of a self fulfilling profecy? If you don't believe in yourself, then no one will. You have to give it your best."

Oh really? After several years, you know where it's got me? Nowhere. And that's not from lack of trying. I've tried being super productive in my job search, I've tried being positive, I tried self help/unemployment programmes and courses. I have gone through more unemployment contacts than I can count...  and It all ends the same way. Nowhere.

Most people I know that are cronically sick are unemployed or on sick leave.

Don't get me wrong, the job market is tough for everyone, but it's even harder when you're ill.

 

"So what then? You're just gonna give up? You know, when life hands you lemons..."

I sometimes wish I could give up, but I can't afford to. You think it's easy to weave through the welfare system, public insurance and unemployment? Learning about all their different rules and regulations, only to have them change the next month.. You think I can afford to slack off and be done with it? If I don't stay on it, I lose everything. Don't get me wrong though, it should never be too simple to get welfare, but it is a chore every month. And everything has to land perfectly, or my economy crumbles.

It is a job in itself to make sure all of this stays in sync. Not only is it hard for me but it's even harder for my bf. He's an immigrant from the US and since none of the information on public insurance, unemployment or welfare is available in English, I have to help him.

And at the end of the day, if welfare doesn't come through for me, say my contact is sick, or I checked a box wrong, or forgot a paper... All of my bills get delayed. It is scary. Every month. It's a mental torment every month. "What if we can't pay the bills this month?"

So no. I can't give up. Giving up means laying down and die. I keep going because I do hope that one day maybe I won't have to deal with this crap anymore.

I know, I'm being dramatic. Most of the time I can shrug this shit off, but I can't help feeling like I'm in endless cycle.

And don't worry, after this shit blows over I'll go back to being my normal awkward self. Sometimes you gotta let yourself feel them feels ya know?

Who knows, maybe someone else out there feels the same? If you are, let me tell you, I have nothing positive to say to you right now. It sucks, we both know it. But at least you're not alone. 

And life never gives you lemons. Life gives you shit. How you clean it up, is what matters.

Thanks for listening,

Lupus Girl